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How to Forgive When You Just Don’t Want To

You’re hurting. Mad. Sad. Stunned that someone you care about has hurt you so greatly. Is it really possible to forgive—especially when you just don’t want to?

I mean, he hurt you—or she offended you. Why should you forgive? The other person should pay for their transgressions, right? They don’t deserve to be forgiven after what they have done.

I’ve learned a lot about the topic of forgiving others, especially after going through heart-wrenching breakups in dating relationships.

One guy I dated for nearly two years moved out of state for his job and forgot to tell me we broke up. Seriously. When I called him, the phone just rang and rang. I never got an explanation about why he ghosted me.

Boyfriend, girlfriends or friends may do things to cause us pain. Parents or family members may say mean things. Even total strangers can cause us grief. We’ve all been hurt before.

After one awful breakup, I started looking for answers about how to deal with the pain and how to forgive. I had some misconceptions about forgiveness, and I learned some life-changing things in the process.

Four Big Ideas

Here are four (4) big ideas I’ve come to learn about forgiveness:

  1. Forgiveness is not forgetting about what happened or acting like everything is okay. It doesn’t mean that you condone what happened, agree with it or like it.
  2. Holding onto past pain not only continues to hurt you,it can also block you from moving forward. Pent up pain turns into bitterness, resentment, and emotional poison works its way into other areas of your life.
  3. Forgiving someone is not “letting them off the hook.” You are not overlooking the offense or excusing it, and you are definitely not letting the offender off the hook for his or her words or actions. Instead, you’re putting that person on God’s hook, so to speak, and trusting God to deal with it fairly because He said He would.
  4. Forgiveness is possible.You can forgive others because the One who loves you most, God, has first forgiven you—and because He asks us to. He will give you the power and strength to do what you cannot do on your own.

How does that work?

As you release the person who’s wronged you to God, He ensures justice is served; not you.

“Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)

Our perspective changes when we realize what God has done for us: He freely extends unconditional love and forgiveness to us, His children. And in the light of the mercy He’s shown us, we can extend the hand of forgiveness to others.

Forgiving others is possible as you:

  • Acknowledge you have been hurt. “I have been wronged.”
  • Receive God’s forgiveness. “I have been wrong, too. I need forgiveness.”
  • Choose to forgive. “I’m wrestling with why I should I forgive him?”
  • Release to God in prayer—and forgive. “Because God has forgiven me, I will forgive him.”

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” ~ Matthew 6:14, 15

Forgiveness isn’t easy. That’s for sure. Give your situation to God to handle. Choose to forgive others because God has forgiven you. He will help you through it.

And then go live in emotional freedom and peace!

Prayer
Lord, You know what’s happened in this relationship. I bring before you (say the person’s name) and all the hurt and pain he (or she) has caused me. In my own strength I cannot let go, but I ask for the power of the Holy Spirit to help me to forgive. Blow a fresh wind of healing in my life and release the resentment, bitterness, and feelings of offense. Help me to forgive because you have forgiven me. Empower me to have mercy on others in Your strength, knowing You are a God of justice. I ask for Your mighty power to work in me and through me. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

QUESTION: Have you had a hard time forgiving someone who’s hurt you? What did you do to move forward? Let us know in the comments section below.

Additional Resources by Jackie M. Johnson:

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Life After Loss: A Lesson from the Redwood Tree

The redwood trees in Northern California have a secret. These centuries-old giants—three hundred feet or taller—have a unique ability to withstand fire.

In addition to their high branches and the dense bark that provides protection, redwood trees lack a flammable resin on their bark (something most other types of trees have).

It renders redwood trees nearly fireproof.

Even if the heat of a forest fire becomes so intense that it burns the tree, the roots often survive because they are buried in the cool moist soil. After a fire, and in time, new growth begins to appear.

Triumph after tragedy.

You may have suffered unspeakable losses. You may feel as if your life will never be the same. But as with the redwoods, new life—a different life—can sprout again.

From the black, fire-charred remnants of disaster, green leaves begin to sprout and the forest regrows.

As you get back to the roots of truth, God’s unchanging truth about you and your situation, about who He is and all the amazing things He has done, regrowth comes in your heart and life too.

The heart is surprisingly resilient.

From the ashes of loss and pain, uncertainty and frustration come fresh hope. New perspective. A chance to begin anew.

Tragedies can undo us, or they can make us stronger and better people.

Feed your mind with truth: You are God’s child. He loves you. He is with you. Always. God is your comfort and your strength. All things really do work together for the good, even when you cannot feel it or see it right now.

Trust God for new hope and healing.

***

Photo by Jordan Pulmano (Unsplash)

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When You’ve Been Hurt: Forgive and Be Set Free!

If you’ve ever had your home or car broken into, you know how violating it can feel. It’s happened to me twice.

Break-ins to your vehicle are one thing; break-ins to your inner life can be devastating.

Perhaps you’ve known the sting of rejection from a boyfriend or girlfriend, or the betrayal of a close friend. Maybe you’ve been wounded with the unkind words of another. Or someone has defamed your character.

We see this played out in the news nearly every day. Especially around election time with mudslinging, dirty politics—and fake news.

When you or someone you care about is mistreated, what do you do?

Hold a grudge? Let bitterness and resentment build up? Or, choose to forgive—and walk in freedom and peace?

Justice is served

One of the biggest reasons people don’t want to forgive someone who’s hurt them is because they mistakenly believe that the person will get away with it (whatever they’ve done).

You think the other person should “pay” for what they’ve done—and do so at your hands. But when you forgive, you release him from your hands and give the situation to God to handle; He will ensure justice is served.

Read what Romans 12:19 says in The Message Bible:

“Don’t insist on getting even;

that’s not for you to do.

‘I’ll do the judging,’ says God. ‘I’ll take care of it’”

God’s heart breaks when someone is mistreated. He sees your pain, and He cares about your trials. Thankfully, God is a God of Justice. He will make all things right.

Release and be set free!

Forgiving someone who has wronged you is for you. Whether or not he says he’s sorry, whether or not she asks for forgiveness, forgive in your heart—ask God to help you release what you are holding on to.

Forgiveness sets your heart free.

Of course, it is not a one-time process. In fact, you may need to have multiple conversations with God about your situation. Forgiving is a journey. One step at a time.

But the path becomes clearer as we come to understand why we need to do something that seems so difficult: God has first forgiven us, and He asks us to forgive other. Jesus said,

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” —Matthew 6:14, 15

You may still feel resistance. I’m not forgiving him; he doesn’t deserve it.  Your feelings may be valid, but the truth is none of us deserve it; that’s what grace is about. Mercy and grace are gifts, extended to you by Jesus Christ.

Because of His amazing love, Christ can empower you to do the unthinkable in the eyes of the world: forgive someone who has wronged you.

Forgiveness releases the pain and frees you. No longer a victim, you are a victorious person who overcomes!

Remember, too, that forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to reconcile or hang out with people who have hurt you. Sometimes the wisest and healthiest thing to do is be away from them and have boundaries to protect your heart from further pain.

A fresh wind is blowing. It’s the freedom you feel when you’ve forgiven those who have mistreated you.

Will you choose to harbor bitterness and resentment, or come into the light of hope—forgiving others because you have been forgiven first by God?

Freedom and lasting peace are possible. The choice is yours.

PRAYER

Lord, sometimes it is hard to wrap my head around the concept of forgiveness. It seems impossible in my human strength. But Your Word says that with You everything is possible. Even this. You have forgiven me, help me extend that same mercy to the person who has wronged me. Help me to forgive—and live free and at peace again. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

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How to Get Over a Breakup – Part 4 (Moving Forward and Dating Again)

Let the morning bring me word
of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Psalm 143:8

Sunrise in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains can be spectacular. The first rays of sunlight crawl across the eastern plains, and gradually increasing in brightness to reveal—like footlights on a stage—the splendor of majestic Pikes Peak.

Goodbye darkness, hello light!

It’s a fresh start in your heart, too, as breakup pain is fading and hope is waking up.

Now it is day, and you are rebuilding—waking up to the rest of your life, finding purpose and vision, and learning to make healthier choices in relationships next time.

You have changed.

And, like re-growth comes after a forest fire, restoration comes after a breakup too. Your past will always be a part of who you are; history happened. But as you walk forward by faith, you discover new companions like inner strength and unexpected joy. Hope arises.

Things start to get better.

As you learn to live “beyond the breakup” and find your way forward, you discover that letting go of the past is truly possible.

You come alive again and remember things you’ve forgotten or put aside like: gratitude, friendships, serving others and maybe even living your dreams.

The promise of a new day signals a chance for new beginnings. And when the time is right, you may want to start dating again.

Dating again—and making better choices.
In this new season of your life, you may want to think about how you will do things differently in your next dating relationship.

Think about the kind of person you want to date and how you’ll date—the world’s way or God’s way. In Western culture, dating is often recreational and include levels of emotional and physical intimacy that are contrary to Christian beliefs.

For the Christ-follower, we choose to follow God’s Word, the Bible for how to treat people in life. And while the Bible does not have an Intro to Dating 101 section, we know that He desires people to treat each other with honesty, respect and honor.

We can look at the commands of living a holy life and apply them to all our relationships, including dating and marriage. The book of Ephesians lists a few:

Be completely humble, be patient, bear with one another (4:2);
Speak truthfully (4:25);
In your anger do not sin (4:26);
Build up others with your words (4:29);
Get rid of bitterness (4:31);
Be kind and compassionate;
Forgive each other (4:32); and
Live a life of love (5:2).

Sounds like a good place to start.

Finding Mr. Right
When you think about whom you want to date or marry, many essential traits come to mind. What do you want in another person? Whom do you want to become?

Here are five traits to consider—to be and to look for as a Christian who wants to connect with another believer—Christian, Communication, Character, Chemistry, and Calling.

Christian means that the other person has a committed walk with God, He has accepted Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, and he’s on a path of growth and discovery. What else does that mean for you? Do you want someone who will attend church with you every Sunday? Do you want to pray together as a couple? Think about how you want to live out your spiritual life with another person.

Communication is talking and listening, building rapport and intimacy, sharing, and more. What kind of communication important to you in a relationship? Are you comfortable going deep in conversation? What is “good communication” to you?

Character refers to temperament, personality and moral fiber. Does he have integrity? Does his keep his promises? How do your personalities mesh? How do you handle conflicts when they arise?

Chemistry is another word for attraction. Is he handsome in your eyes? Does he have qualities that appeal to you? Of course, chemistry and attraction are important in a relationship, but true beauty is more than a perfect smile or fit body. It’s both inner and outer qualities, and how that person makes you feel.

Calling is the term I’ll use here for God’s vision for your relationship. Is it right for the long term? Has God called you to marriage with this man to be his life partner? Of course, you don’t know that at the start of a relationship. As you get to know each other, and every step of the way, be in prayer about God’s leading for you two as a couple.

Look how far you’ve come in your heart healing journey!

Despite the darkness, morning always comes.

Remember, that even on days when clouds block the sun’s rays, the sun is still there—even when you cannot see it. Likewise, obstacles will come in your love life, too. But the light of God’s love and truth remains constant, even when you cannot see or feel it.

With God’s power and presence, you can move forward with hope and confidence.

It’s a brand-new day!

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How to Get Over a Breakup – Part 3 (Healing Emotions and Forgiveness)


O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.
Psalm 30:2

After the sun has set on your relationship, and you’ve gone through the darkest time, you’re farther along the heart healing journey.

It’s nearly Dawn.

Here, you are still processing the pain, but you are also continuing to look ahead to the future.

It’s a time of adjustment and emotional repair to steady yourself after a tidal wave has rocked your love boat. Even a sailboat after a squall needs some time in dry dock to repair the hull and mend the sails. There will be new adventures ahead, but for now, it’s heart restoration time.

The next step in the process is to deal with your emotions and discover the healing power of forgiveness.

A lot of singles choose to ignore the pain of getting dumped, and think it will just go away.

The thing is, without dealing with your feelings, you wind up carrying your breakup baggage into the next relationship—and the next.

But when you do go through the heart healing process instead of avoiding it, you will be better prepared to find and keep the lasting love you truly desire.

Healing emotional pain
Pain, anger, resentment and betrayal are thorny issues. Rejection hurts, and the loss of love and affection can make us do crazy things sometimes. Instead of stuffing your emotions or doing nothing, it is essential to identify, express and release your emotional pain.

Left unexpressed in healthy ways, emotional pain can wreak havoc in your love life. You may sabotage a perfectly good relationship because of your own commitment fears. Or, you may withhold affection and trust because others have wounded you deeply.

One huge emotion people feel after a breakup is rejection. When someone you love pushes you way, it hurts. And you may tell yourself lies like, “No one will ever love me.” But keep reminding yourself of God’s unchanging truths. Because truth combats lies like light overcomes the darkness.

The truth is….not being chosen doesn’t mean you’re not acceptable.

The truth is…you are still worthy and wonderful whether the person who left you realizes it or not. You may not feel very wonderful right now, but don’t let what one person thinks erode your sense of self.

The truth is…you will always be significant and important in the eyes of the One who loves you most: God. You are worth being loved well. And, God has His best for those who wait on Him.

Forgiveness: the key to your breakthrough
What helped me most to move forward in my past breakups has been the healing power of forgiveness—when God gives you the ability to forgive the person who hurt you, and forgive yourself.

When you don’t forgive, and hold onto the pain, it hurts you—not the other person. Pent up pain turns into bitterness, resentment, or offense and the emotional poison works its way into other areas of your life.

Sometimes you may think that if you forgive someone, you let them “off the hook.” And there needs to be justice. But forgiveness is not forgetting about what happened or acting like everything is okay. It doesn’t mean that you condone what happened, agree with it or like it.

Instead, you’re putting them on God’s hook, so to speak, not your hook, and trusting God to deal with it fairly because He said He would. God ensures justice is served; not you.

“Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)

Indeed, the God of unconditional love is also our advocate for justice.

Our perspective changes when we realize what God has done for us. Because He has first forgiven us, Christ commands us to forgive. With the power God gives us—we can forgive.

Here is a helpful Bible verse: Ephesians 4:31, 32, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Forgiveness is the balm that heals the heart. When the pain has been dealt with you can leave the past in the past.

Lastly, it’s reassuring to know that God can see in the dark even when you cannot.

Psalm 139:11-12 reminds us, “…even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.”

God knows where you are all the time—in the midnight hour and in the noonday sun. He sees, He knows, He cares, and He will lead you through the darkness of your heartbreak and into healing and better days.

Much better days.

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