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How to Get Over a Breakup – Part 4 (Moving Forward and Dating Again)

Let the morning bring me word
of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Psalm 143:8

Sunrise in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains can be spectacular. The first rays of sunlight crawl across the eastern plains, and gradually increasing in brightness to reveal—like footlights on a stage—the splendor of majestic Pikes Peak.

Goodbye darkness, hello light!

It’s a fresh start in your heart, too, as breakup pain is fading and hope is waking up.

Now it is day, and you are rebuilding—waking up to the rest of your life, finding purpose and vision, and learning to make healthier choices in relationships next time.

You have changed.

And, like re-growth comes after a forest fire, restoration comes after a breakup too. Your past will always be a part of who you are; history happened. But as you walk forward by faith, you discover new companions like inner strength and unexpected joy. Hope arises.

Things start to get better.

As you learn to live “beyond the breakup” and find your way forward, you discover that letting go of the past is truly possible.

You come alive again and remember things you’ve forgotten or put aside like: gratitude, friendships, serving others and maybe even living your dreams.

The promise of a new day signals a chance for new beginnings. And when the time is right, you may want to start dating again.

Dating again—and making better choices.
In this new season of your life, you may want to think about how you will do things differently in your next dating relationship.

Think about the kind of person you want to date and how you’ll date—the world’s way or God’s way. In Western culture, dating is often recreational and include levels of emotional and physical intimacy that are contrary to Christian beliefs.

For the Christ-follower, we choose to follow God’s Word, the Bible for how to treat people in life. And while the Bible does not have an Intro to Dating 101 section, we know that He desires people to treat each other with honesty, respect and honor.

We can look at the commands of living a holy life and apply them to all our relationships, including dating and marriage. The book of Ephesians lists a few:

Be completely humble, be patient, bear with one another (4:2);
Speak truthfully (4:25);
In your anger do not sin (4:26);
Build up others with your words (4:29);
Get rid of bitterness (4:31);
Be kind and compassionate;
Forgive each other (4:32); and
Live a life of love (5:2).

Sounds like a good place to start.

Finding Mr. Right
When you think about whom you want to date or marry, many essential traits come to mind. What do you want in another person? Whom do you want to become?

Here are five traits to consider—to be and to look for as a Christian who wants to connect with another believer—Christian, Communication, Character, Chemistry, and Calling.

Christian means that the other person has a committed walk with God, He has accepted Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, and he’s on a path of growth and discovery. What else does that mean for you? Do you want someone who will attend church with you every Sunday? Do you want to pray together as a couple? Think about how you want to live out your spiritual life with another person.

Communication is talking and listening, building rapport and intimacy, sharing, and more. What kind of communication important to you in a relationship? Are you comfortable going deep in conversation? What is “good communication” to you?

Character refers to temperament, personality and moral fiber. Does he have integrity? Does his keep his promises? How do your personalities mesh? How do you handle conflicts when they arise?

Chemistry is another word for attraction. Is he handsome in your eyes? Does he have qualities that appeal to you? Of course, chemistry and attraction are important in a relationship, but true beauty is more than a perfect smile or fit body. It’s both inner and outer qualities, and how that person makes you feel.

Calling is the term I’ll use here for God’s vision for your relationship. Is it right for the long term? Has God called you to marriage with this man to be his life partner? Of course, you don’t know that at the start of a relationship. As you get to know each other, and every step of the way, be in prayer about God’s leading for you two as a couple.

Look how far you’ve come in your heart healing journey!

Despite the darkness, morning always comes.

Remember, that even on days when clouds block the sun’s rays, the sun is still there—even when you cannot see it. Likewise, obstacles will come in your love life, too. But the light of God’s love and truth remains constant, even when you cannot see or feel it.

With God’s power and presence, you can move forward with hope and confidence.

It’s a brand-new day!

How to Get Over a Breakup – Part 1 (Stabilize the Situation)

Years ago, I was talking with a guy friend (let’s call him Mitch). I was going through a heart-wrenching breakup at the time and I decided to ask him for his best advice on how to deal with it.

“So, how do you get over a breakup?” I asked my friend.

“You just do,” he replied nonchalantly.

“What do you mean? ‘You just do,’ I questioned, “How do you get over it?”

I was bewildered. I wanted action steps, a practical “how to” approach. Something.

But he had nothing to give me.

Thankfully, over the months that followed my baffling conversation with Mitch, I was able to find other avenues for healing my breakup blues.

I scoured the Bible, God’s words of life and wisdom, to find out about comfort and heart healing. I camped in the Psalms for a while and found in David a comrade. He poured his heart out to God about his trials and then looked up and worshipped Him.

Often during that tough time, I would say, “I do not understand, Lord, but I will trust you.”

I talked to my female friends. I went to a Christian counselor. I listened to praise music and went for walks in the woods talking with the Lord.

And…I found answers.

The good news is that God redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again.

It takes time to get over a breakup, to be sure. It also takes lots of prayer and telling yourself the truth—about your situation, about the other person, and about yourself, but healing eventually comes.

Sure, it’s not easy to deal with rejection and other myriad emotions that come from being dumped—or dumping someone else—but it is possible.

After all of my own horrible breakups, I’ve learned some helpful wisdom and was able to heal and move forward, In the process, I wrote a book called “When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty” (Moody Publishers) that helps you through all of the stages of breakup pain. It also gives you what you need to know for your new beginning.

This hard-won wisdom, forged in the dark times of emotional pain, will help to lead you back into the light. The book follows the cycle of a day—twilight, night, dawn and day—as a metaphor for the healing process.

Twilight is a time of endings. The sun is setting on your hopes and dreams of a future with this person. Yet how you deal with endings (or don’t) will determine the quality of your future love relationships.

Night is the dark time; you are grieving your losses. You’ve lost love, friendship, physical touch, and more. Thankfully, God provides “night lights” in the darkness, like His comfort, wisdom and love to guide the way back to joy and new beginnings.

Dawn is symbolic of awakening. Just as the first fingers of morning inch across the horizon shining sunlight on a new day, hope awakens in your heart healing journey. You begin to learn how God redeems losses and restores brokenness. You discover your true identity as a dearly-loved child of God. You regain confidence. You start to wake up again.

Day is your path to a new beginning. You find that letting go of the past is truly possible. It’s time to move forward into your future. You come alive and remember things you’ve forgotten or put aside like: gratitude, friendships and maybe even living your dreams. Radiance has returned, and with the light of Christ in you, you are ready to be a light to the world.

I will share with you inspiration from each of those four sections in four blog posts this week. Each post will be a different aspect on the “how to get over a breakup” topic.

So, let’s get started…

In the first days and weeks after a breakup, it’s important to stabilize the situation, get the comfort and support you need and begin to grieve your losses.

Stabilize the situation.
Breakups are painful because something has been broken: your precious heart. Like a physical injury, an emotional wound needs care and recovery time.

You need to protect your broken heart just as you would protect a broken arm. If you broke your arm, you’d immediately rush to the hospital and get a cast. Why? Because a cast protects the area from further injury and it allows the healing and repairing process to begin.

With a broken heart, you also need protection in order to stabilize the situation. A heart boundary or healthy emotional wall is needed for a time and for a purpose.

That means, separating from the source of pain (being away from the person you just broke up with) so you can prevent further injury and begin the healing process.

It can be extremely difficult not to communicate with him or her, but it will be easier to heal in the end.

You may be tempted to reach out to him or her and connect because that’s what you’re used to—it’s comfortable and familiar—but your goal here is not connecting, it’s disconnecting. It feels awful and lonely and different. But that’s just part of the process.

Of course, every situation is different. I’m not saying that you have to cut off all contact completely or forever. Some women I know have been able to be friends with people they’ve dated, but not right away. A time of separation is essential if you are ever going to have a platonic friendship in the future.

Breakups can be complicated, and you may need to have a few talks to get to the finale. But use wisdom and discretion. Hard as it can be, I’ve found that being away from the other person completely, at least initially, was more healing in the long run than the slow hanging-on-to-fragments-of-what’s-left relationship death.

Pray about it and ask God how to best tie up the loose ends of your ending.

Here’s some good news: When a broken bone is healed, it grows back even stronger. In the same way that a cast on a broken arm is for a time and a purpose, healing the emotional wreckage of your breakup is also for a season.

You won’t be in this painful place forever.

And your heart may grow back even stronger.

As your Breakup Recovery Coach, I’m proud of you for taking the first steps in this journey from darkness to light—from sadness and anger back into freedom, peace and joy.

There are better days ahead. It’s time for your heart healing journey to begin.

Are We Dating or Just Friends?

There’s this guy who texts you all the time. He seems like a nice guy, but you’re not really sure where you stand with him. He often asks you to come over and “hang out,” and you talk a lot. You know you’re developing a friendship, but it’s kind of fuzzy if it’s something more.

Is this relationship going anywhere?

Is this even a “relationship”?

Are we dating or just friends?

It all gets even more uncertain when Mr. Late Night Texter wants to snuggle next to you—or more—when you’re watching a movie together at his place. And the next day he is totally oblivious to anything that happened between you two. Or, you don’t hear from him for days or weeks.

It’s all so puzzling.

When a guy sends mixed signals—like treating you like a girlfriend one minute and then treating you like you’re “just friends” the next (or ignoring you completely)—it’s like a driver who flashes his left turn signal, and then suddenly turns his car to the right. It’s confusing—and it can be dangerous.

I call this “The Unknown Zone,”the peculiar place between friendship and dating where you don’t really know what your relationship is.

It hasn’t been defined.

You keep thinking that this thing—whatever it is—will turn into something real and lasting. But it never does.

And you feel stuck between “Should I say something to him?” and “Should I just go along with this and see what happens?” You think he likes you, but you’re not sure.

You say nothing. He says nothing.

How do you know where you stand when he doesn’t communicate or he’s sending you mixed signals?

Michelle McKinney Hammond gets to the heart of the matter in The Unspoken Rules of Love:

“If he does not ask you to have an exclusive relationship with him, assume that you are not in one.”

That is the main point.

Don’t let anyone toy with your emotions and your time. The guy needs to be initiating, taking action and pursuing you. If not, you are free to enjoy your other options.

“Don’t behave as if you are in a committed relationship when you are not. Doing so will only entangle your heart and set you up for disappointment and heartbreak.

If he doesn’t tell you he wants to be in a committed relationship, consider yourself officially ‘just a friend,’” McKinney says. 

Bottom line: For whatever reason, if a guy is not pursuing you, then you need to let it go. And when you do, you free yourself up for real and lasting love, not an emotional entanglement.

A pastor I know once said, “The proof of desire is in the pursuit.”If a man wants to get to know you, you will know his intentions. You won’t have to guess.

Tell yourself this: “I am worth being loved well.”And then march forward, trusting God with your love life—and with your whole life.

When the right guy for you comes along, you’ll know—-because he will show you and he will tell you.

And that, my friend, is well worth waiting for.

5 Ways to Make Your Christian Single Life More Successful

If you’re a single or single again Christ follower, you will definitely want to check out my Living Single blog.

Each post will encourage you with inspiring and relevant content for your dating life—and your whole life as a vibrant and emotionally healthy person.

So, whether you’re waiting or dating, getting over a breakup and looking to heal your heart or just wondering how to navigate life as a single person, there’s something for you.

To begin, here are links to my Top 5 Living Single blog posts. You’ll find more helpful info on the blog.

Read. Enjoy. And share with others.

And ask God to guide your dating life—and your whole life—into His absolute best for you.

1. The Power of Wisdom: Making Better Choices in Your Dating Life

Wisdom is essential—in your dating life and in your whole life. Without it we often do foolish things that hurt others or ourselves.

2. Waiting? 5 Important Ideas to Help You Wait Well

God has good reasons for delays. We may not always understand what He is doing or like it, but the One who loves us most asks us to obey his commands—not to withhold from us, but to protect us and guide us.

3. Building Confidence and a Solid Self Esteem

When you fail to see who you really are, you lose sight of your true worth and value. Like a pair of glasses with the wrong prescription, the lenses through which you’ve been viewing your life may have become distorted. And you need God’s perspective, the true view, to gain a clearer vision and see yourself as He sees you.

4. Brokenness and the Healing Power of Surrender

God is in the business of healing broken hearts and lives. He redeems our losses and messes for His good purposes. But it’s not always easy. The good news is that a transformation of the heart happens as we surrender to God our longing, our lack, our mess, our confusion, our whole hearts.

5. How the Church Can Welcome Singles and Help Them Thrive

While the church is a place to worship, connect and serve—a place to find community and fellowship—many singles find the church to be a lonely place. Some feel “less than” because of their marital status. They feel unseen, forgotten or left out…How do you meet their needs and ensure singles grow in their faith?

Read more helpful and encouraging blogs for singles by Jackie M. Johnson at….Living Single Blog.