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Dating Advice: 6 Things I Wish I’d Known Sooner

3 women friendsDating and relationships can be complicated and messy.

They can also be loving and wonderful–if you know yourself and what you deserve.

But often we settle for less than the best. We compromise too much.

We get used or catfished or dumped because we don’t have a healthy enough self-esteem to walk away.

Or, no one ever modeled good love. So we scratch our heads at how to connect or get close to someone.

Or, we simply don’t know how the opposite sex thinks.

We simply don’t know what we don’t know.

I’ve gone on quite a few dates over the years, and I’ve learned a few essentials. Some dating “basics” so to speak, but these days they are not so basic any more.

We need to learn them.  

So if I could go back in time, here are 6 things I’d tell my younger self about dating and life. Things I wish I would have known sooner.

I hope these help you make better decisions in dating.  

1. You deserve to be loved well. You, my friend, deserve to be loved—and to be loved well.

Don’t let a guy toy with your emotions or take up your time if he has no intention of dating you.

Don’t settle for players. Don’t let yourself be used or abused just because you want someone to love you. That’s not love.

No 2:00 AM calls or texts to come over and “hang out.” No. You deserve to be treated better and with respect. Have boundaries and apply them.

2. Let him pursue you. A real man who wants a dating relationship will pursue and respect you. He will make his intentions clear.

Sure, it can be difficult for some guys to “man up” and ask you out, but don’t settle for less.

It’s great to first be friends with a guy, and get to know each other, and see if it leads to more. But the proof of desire is in the pursuit.

If he is not intentionally pursuing you, then you are just friends; you are not dating.

A real man will make it known that he wants to be in a relationship with you. You won’t have to wonder or guess.

When he pursues and you respond, you have the best chance for a “spark” of desire to turn into lasting love.

3. Let him please you. By nature, women are givers. We want to please others. But sometimes we do too much—and we don’t let other people do nice things for us.

Believe it or not, it makes a man feel good when he can do something nice for you.

Men want to make you happy—whether it’s fixing your car or taking you out for fresh seafood because he knows it’s your favorite.

Of course, it goes both ways; each person should desire to please the other person. But don’t let it be one-sided. You don’t have to do all the giving.

4. Know what you want—and don’t want—in a relationship. When you’re 17, you want someone who’s “cute.” When you’re 27 or 37 or older, you definitely want more out of a dating relationship.

Recently, a married friend told me that she wished she would have looked for traits in a future husband like good communication skills and conflict resolution skills—important things in a decades-long marriage (or even in your dating life) that some people may not have considered. Know what’s important to you.

5. Know what men want. It’s been said that one of the most attractive things to a man in a woman is her confidence. So go out and be your wonderful self!

In addition, he doesn’t want you to pretend to be someone you’re not just to make him happy. Be real and authentic and honest.

What he wants from you is respect. Admiration. A best friend whom he is also in love with. Someone whom he can trust.

I’m sure there’s more, and each guy is different in the specifics he’s looking for, but those are some general, foundational things to start.

6. Trust God’s timing. No matter how old you are, don’t be in a rush to meet and marry someone. Growing a healthy relationship is like growing a beautiful garden; it takes time.

Even if all of your friends are getting married and you feel left out or lonely, don’t give in to your feelings.

Trust that the One who loves you most, God, will prepare you and bring the best guy for you—if that is His plan for you.

Don’t control the circumstances or try to make things happen. Most often, that’s a recipe for disaster.

When you know yourself and what you really want in a dating relationship, you are closer to finding real and lasting love. You won’t have to make it happen or force it.

You can trust God for His best. And be at peace.

***

For more hope and encouragement from Jackie M. Johnson, check out “Praying with Power When Life Gets Tough

Photo: Adrienne, pexels

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Single Over the Holidays: 3 Great Ways to Find Joy!

Ah, the holidays!

It’s the time of year when singles are more intensely aware of their singleness.

If you’re unmarried, most likely you’ve had to dodge that perennial question from prying relatives or friends at holiday gatherings:

“So, why are you still single?”

Or, maybe you’ve had to deal with the office holiday party dilemma when you don’t have a date, and the “plus one” on the e-vite blinks at you like tree lights gone awry.

For some singles, the Christmas season tends to exaggerate feelings that have been simmering all year long.

It’s a time to connect with loved ones and you feel anything but connected. Suddenly everyone around you seems to have a significant other or spouse and you feel so very solo.

Solitary. Alone.

Then there’s the sting when a pastor closes the Christmas Eve service with an admonishment to “Go and spend time with your families.”

Yeah, thanks, but I don’t have one.

Of course, some people have their family of origin—their parents and siblings—with whom they gather for the holidays.

But for others the cost to travel home for the holiday is simply unaffordable. Or, they don’t get along with some of their family members.

I get it.

It’s not always easy to see happy couples kissing under the mistletoe or walking arm in arm down a snowy sidewalk—laughing all the way—to who knows where.

So how can you enjoy, not just endure the Christmas season? 

Here are three (3) great ways to consider to find more JOY in the season: 

1. Change your perspective. If you are feeling lonely or blue, try to refocus attention away from self and onto the Savior. Ask him to lighten your mood. 

You may feel sad or other emotions—and you have a right to your feelings. But don’t set up camp there; don’t stay there. Feel the pain, ask God to heal your heart, and then move forward allowing God to heal you in His timing.

Indeed, changes may not happen overnight. Surely, there is a time to grieve or feel miserable. But there is also a time to wipe away the tears, put on your coat, and go build new Christmas memories.

Oftentimes, the joy returns and new hope arises.

2. Find “family” where you can if yours is not available. My single friend Denise has often hosted a Christmas Day dinner for singles who have no place to go for the holiday. Or, have a gathering with friends and celebrate the season together. 

3. Give and serve others. Doing things for others will bring JOY, not only to the people you help, but also to you!

Sharing a smile or a hello with your coffee barista or the clerk at the dry cleaning counter can make a difference. Some folks I know go to a local nursing home to sing Christmas carols or go to a local soup kitchen to serve food and spend time with those who are often forgotten.

3. Most importantly, draw near to the reason for the season: Jesus Christ. Reflect on the true meaning of Christmas and why we celebrate.

Remember the true story of the Christ child, the Son of God, who came to save the world and teach us how to love and have a better life. (Read Matthew 1 or Luke 2.)

Discover the love that changes everything. And you just may be amazed at what happens.

Instead of bemoaning your current state of singleness you can make new choices.

May God invade your heart with JOY—at Christmas and all the year through.

Merry Christmas!

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Grateful, Thankful, Blessed: How To Enjoy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Day in America—and you know what that means?

For many, the ready answer is food, football, and family. Holiday tables will be jam-packed with turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberries, pies and other delectable delights.

And, in millions of homes, apartments, and condos across the country, people will pause for the annual tradition where each person at the table says what they are thankful for this year.

Whether the answers are serious or silly, this time of sharing helps us to reflect, and to hear each other’s stories, if only briefly.

But for others, the holiday may be lonely. You don’t have a table at which to gather. Or, the family and friends you do spend time with make it difficult to be your true self.

No matter what your situation, here are three helpful ways to ENJOY, not just ENDURE the Thanksgiving holiday.

Let it go

For those who gather with others for the holiday, you may find times of tension from unresolved conflicts in the past or disagreements about major life issues. That is understandable. Most families don’t agree about everything.

So you can set boundaries and plan ahead—before you walk in the door—how you will handle conflict if it arises at your gathering. Your feelings are valid, to be sure. And you can decide not to engage, or not to talk about a certain subject—at least for one day.

Sometimes you just need to walk away. Excuse yourself, and go in the restroom to take a few deep breaths and to pray for strength.

Be grateful

On Thanksgiving Day, we gather to eat, pray and give thanks. We remember God’s merciful provision to the first American settlers hundreds of years ago, and reflect on his goodness to us today.

So, what you are thankful for?

Really good friends?
A loving family?
A steady paycheck?
Living in freedom and peace?
Eyesight?
Gravity?

Make sure to take some time and thank God for all he has done for you.

As for me?

I am grateful for new beginnings. Thankful, that when I was a teenager reaching up to God, He was already there, reaching out to me. Teaching me, over the years about grace, forgiveness, freedom, and peace.

I am thankful that when I pray, God listens and acts. He moves heaven and earth to accomplish His good purposes. And I get to be an integral part of His story.

I am grateful that God meets my needs—and the needs of those I love. It may not always be the answer I want or happen in my timeframe. But God, in His divine wisdom and sovereignty, knows best. And I choose to trust Him.

I am grateful that God is my strength. That His mighty power is at work in me to make real and lasting changes—changes I never could have made in my own human strength.

And yes, I am grateful for wonderful friends and family members. Because connection and relationships give life meaning and purpose—and fun!

Thankfulness, my friend, leads to contentment and JOY!

And so, on this celebration of Thanksgiving, my grateful heart cries out to the One who loves us most:

“For all You are, and all that You have done for me, Lord—thank you!”

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

 

For more resources by Jackie M. Johnson:

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When Life is Hard–Pray On!

Pray On

By Jackie M. Johnson

When the bills are due, when the pain lingers on,
or the adoption agency is taking too long.

When you’re trying to balance family and work,
or your boss is annoying or simply berserk.

When a prodigal child simply will not come home,
or the debt collectors won’t leave you alone.

When the car wreck leaves you with metal to mend,
or the man that you loved left you for your best friend.

When you feel overwhelmed—always busy and stressed—
or you can’t seem to focus and your house is a mess.

When you’re lonely, depressed, or stuck in your life,
and you wonder if you’re a good person or wife.

When there’s trauma or pain, or just day-to-day living,
or you find that you always do most of the giving.

When you’re pondering daily the life you’ve been dealt,
with finances, job, relationships, health.

When you’re searching for wisdom, or purpose, or faith
some heart healing, joy, simplicity, space.

When there’s less in your wallet and more on your thighs,
and your mind reels with questions, like “What? How? or Why?”

When you don’t understand and you can’t see the way,
You need four simple words: “Lord, teach me to pray.”

Don’t give up, don’t give in, even though strength seems gone,
Just hold on to hope and pray on, friend.

Pray on.

                                                      ***

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New Year New Perspective: 6 Ways to Make it Better

It happens in a blink of an eye.

When the clock strikes midnight on December 31, suddenly it’s a brand new year. A blank slate.

A new beginning.

I, for one, love a fresh new year. It’s so full of potential and possibilities. Anything can happen!

I’ve been pondering what will make this year different? And how to make this year the best year yet.

How can we move from doing nothing to having goals–or from having goals to actually achieving them?

I think it starts with prayer and a change in perspective. 

Here are six (6) ideas to consider for making this year a really good one:

1. Start with prayer. Take some time to talk with God about your life. Reevaluate what’s really important to you. Wait and listen for answers.

God always answers prayers. Maybe not always in the way you think He should or on your timetable. But it’s in those conversations with God that old patterns fall away and new ideas come forth.

Prayer will be the foundation for your best year yet, and for your life.

2. Ask questions. Get a notebook or a device and start answering some basic questions that will help you move forward:

What am I thankful for?

What do I need to get rid of (or let go of) in my life (e.g., bad habits, unhealthy relationships, etc.)?

What do I need more of in my life (e.g., more rest, more time with my friends, more self discipline, etc.)?

What do I really want in life?

3. Get a new perspective. As you ask yourself the questions above, don’t forget this key question: What does God have for me? The good news is that God is loving and good. He wants the best for you!

4. Make a plan and take action. Write down your top goals for the year and list action steps you want to take under each goal.

For example, if your goal is to lose 20 pounds, some of your action steps could include:

1) See my doctor.

2) Find recipes with healthy foods that taste good.

3) Make time in my schedule each week for grocery shopping, cooking and packing lunches.

4) Make a workout schedule.

5) Have a friend to call for encouragement when I don’t want to do any of these steps.

And so on.

It helps to break down your goal into smaller steps you can achieve on a daily or weekly basis.

5. Overcome obstacles. In any attempt to change, there are often roadblocks. Think about what is keeping you from what you really want. What are the obstacles and how can you overcome them?

Sure, those are big questions. As a Christ follower, I have learned—often the hard way—that I can’t make change happen in my own human strength. I need the power of God working in me and through me to make lasting changes. I need His power to take action and His power to wait. 

6. Remember the basics. As you think and pray and make a plan for the new year, it’s helpful to get back to the fundamental things that help build a better life and a healthier you like: getting enough rest and exercise, drinking plenty of water, eating healthy food, getting fresh air, taking in copious amounts of God’s truth, having positive relationships (and not isolating yourself when you feel lonely), serving others, expressing your creativity, managing stress and making time for fun, play and laughter.

So pray and plan.

Take action and trust God.

Start small and don’t freak yourself out.

Remember: God is with you. And He will lovingly lead you step by step.

Thinking about making changes this year? It’s time.

The rest of your life starts right now.

 

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