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letting go

When You’re Feeling Lonely: What to Do

Lonely woman

Years ago, I packed up my little red Honda and drove 1,000 miles across America’s heartland to start a new job in a new city.

I found a house to share with roommates, unpacked, and embarked on life in an unfamiliar place.

I loved the incredible view of Colorado’s Rocky Mountains and the friendly people. Yet, I ached for the comfort of people who had known me for years—or decades.

I missed my heart friends.

When I moved west, I left behind family, deeply-rooted friendships, and a church family I loved.

Granted, the move was my choice and I was happy about it. I was following God’s call. But, at the same time, my emotions were a swirling mixture of excitement, anticipation, and isolation.

My heart felt as barren as the miles of endless prairie on the Eastern Plains.

For the first time in my life, I was incredibly lonely.

Of course, you don’t have to move across the country by yourself to feel lonely.

You can be walking on a bustling city street or sitting at a crowded party and still feel disconnected from other people.

Many singles feel the sting of loneliness even more during the season between Thanksgiving and New Year’s because they long for a significant other or they can’t get home for the holidays. Or, sadly, they are disconnected from their family.

“Longing” is a word that comes to mind when I think about the feeling of loneliness.

You want something you don’t have; you yearn for connection.

Sometimes it’s the connection of a specific person you desire; at other times you just want someone to talk to.

Either way, you feel miserable.

Here’s the thing: We were created for companionship and crafted for relationships.

The desire within us to connect is healthy and good. We need connection and community.

In fact, my pastor once said that if God can separate you from authentic community then you’re easy prey for the enemy because you’re isolated and alone.

Resist the temptation to think that having a boyfriend or girlfriend will fill the holes in your heart, or that marriage is the answer to feeling alone.

Instead, set your course on the true and lasting satisfaction of putting God first—and letting God bring you His best as you seek to serve Him.

When I’m feeling lonely, here are some things I try to remember:

I may feel alone, but I’m not. Jesus said, “I am with you always…” (Matthew 28:20). He promised that He would never leave me. It’s good to know the One who loves me most is always there.

When I remember that I am promised God’s presence I find comfort and renewed hope.

The God who made the universe, who knows all things, who has all power and authority wants to be with me. That is mind-blowing good news. What a gift!

Ask God for more of His presence in your life. As your first connection, He is your best connection.

I need to be intentional about building community. Of course, solitude can be replenishing and we all need time to ourselves, but I strive to find balance between being alone and spending time with other people.

No matter how busy or bored we are, we all need live human contact—not just virtual community and online friends. I ask myself, what is one thing, even a small thing, I can do to connect with positive, life-giving people?

I need to find and fulfill my purpose. When I feel lonely, I try to remember the bigger picture in that God has a purpose for each of us. He didn’t create you and me for no reason.

So I try to get alone with God and ask Him what He’s calling me to do in this season of my life.

What has He uniquely crafted me to do and to be so I can make a difference—and be a light? There’ much to be done—people to serve and a world to be transformed. Even if it’s only my corner of the world. 

At times, feeling lonely can be a catalyst—the nudge I need to move forward in a new direction.

How about you? What will you do next? Even one small step will lead you away from loneliness and into hopefulness. 

Here’s to renewed connections and greater joy.

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How to Get Over a Breakup – Part 1 (Stabilize the Situation)

Years ago, I was talking with a guy friend (let’s call him Mitch). I was going through a heart-wrenching breakup at the time and I decided to ask him for his best advice on how to deal with it.

“So, how do you get over a breakup?” I asked my friend.

“You just do,” he replied nonchalantly.

“What do you mean? ‘You just do,’ I questioned, “How do you get over it?”

I was bewildered. I wanted action steps, a practical “how to” approach. Something.

But he had nothing to give me.

Thankfully, over the months that followed my baffling conversation with Mitch, I was able to find other avenues for healing my breakup blues.

I scoured the Bible, God’s words of life and wisdom, to find out about comfort and heart healing. I camped in the Psalms for a while and found in David a comrade. He poured his heart out to God about his trials and then looked up and worshipped Him.

Often during that tough time, I would say, “I do not understand, Lord, but I will trust you.”

I talked to my female friends. I went to a Christian counselor. I listened to praise music and went for walks in the woods talking with the Lord.

And…I found answers.

The good news is that God redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again.

It takes time to get over a breakup, to be sure. It also takes lots of prayer and telling yourself the truth—about your situation, about the other person, and about yourself, but healing eventually comes.

Sure, it’s not easy to deal with rejection and other myriad emotions that come from being dumped—or dumping someone else—but it is possible.

After all of my own horrible breakups, I’ve learned some helpful wisdom and was able to heal and move forward, In the process, I wrote a book called “When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty” (Moody Publishers) that helps you through all of the stages of breakup pain. It also gives you what you need to know for your new beginning.

This hard-won wisdom, forged in the dark times of emotional pain, will help to lead you back into the light. The book follows the cycle of a day—twilight, night, dawn and day—as a metaphor for the healing process.

Twilight is a time of endings. The sun is setting on your hopes and dreams of a future with this person. Yet how you deal with endings (or don’t) will determine the quality of your future love relationships.

Night is the dark time; you are grieving your losses. You’ve lost love, friendship, physical touch, and more. Thankfully, God provides “night lights” in the darkness, like His comfort, wisdom and love to guide the way back to joy and new beginnings.

Dawn is symbolic of awakening. Just as the first fingers of morning inch across the horizon shining sunlight on a new day, hope awakens in your heart healing journey. You begin to learn how God redeems losses and restores brokenness. You discover your true identity as a dearly-loved child of God. You regain confidence. You start to wake up again.

Day is your path to a new beginning. You find that letting go of the past is truly possible. It’s time to move forward into your future. You come alive and remember things you’ve forgotten or put aside like: gratitude, friendships and maybe even living your dreams. Radiance has returned, and with the light of Christ in you, you are ready to be a light to the world.

I will share with you inspiration from each of those four sections in four blog posts this week. Each post will be a different aspect on the “how to get over a breakup” topic.

So, let’s get started…

In the first days and weeks after a breakup, it’s important to stabilize the situation, get the comfort and support you need and begin to grieve your losses.

Stabilize the situation.
Breakups are painful because something has been broken: your precious heart. Like a physical injury, an emotional wound needs care and recovery time.

You need to protect your broken heart just as you would protect a broken arm. If you broke your arm, you’d immediately rush to the hospital and get a cast. Why? Because a cast protects the area from further injury and it allows the healing and repairing process to begin.

With a broken heart, you also need protection in order to stabilize the situation. A heart boundary or healthy emotional wall is needed for a time and for a purpose.

That means, separating from the source of pain (being away from the person you just broke up with) so you can prevent further injury and begin the healing process.

It can be extremely difficult not to communicate with him or her, but it will be easier to heal in the end.

You may be tempted to reach out to him or her and connect because that’s what you’re used to—it’s comfortable and familiar—but your goal here is not connecting, it’s disconnecting. It feels awful and lonely and different. But that’s just part of the process.

Of course, every situation is different. I’m not saying that you have to cut off all contact completely or forever. Some women I know have been able to be friends with people they’ve dated, but not right away. A time of separation is essential if you are ever going to have a platonic friendship in the future.

Breakups can be complicated, and you may need to have a few talks to get to the finale. But use wisdom and discretion. Hard as it can be, I’ve found that being away from the other person completely, at least initially, was more healing in the long run than the slow hanging-on-to-fragments-of-what’s-left relationship death.

Pray about it and ask God how to best tie up the loose ends of your ending.

Here’s some good news: When a broken bone is healed, it grows back even stronger. In the same way that a cast on a broken arm is for a time and a purpose, healing the emotional wreckage of your breakup is also for a season.

You won’t be in this painful place forever.

And your heart may grow back even stronger.

As your Breakup Recovery Coach, I’m proud of you for taking the first steps in this journey from darkness to light—from sadness and anger back into freedom, peace and joy.

There are better days ahead. It’s time for your heart healing journey to begin.

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Could “Autumn’s Secret” Help You Find More Joy and Peace?

I love the beauty of autumn, especially where I live in Colorado.  Bright yellow aspen leaves against the endless blue sky are God’s artwork for the eyes on crisp fall days.

But as the leaves waft and fall to the ground, I can’t help but think that Autumn has a great secret that will change our lives—and we get to be privy to it.

Think about all the things in your life that are stressing you out right now. What are you worrying about? What do you fear? What is making you so sad?

Maybe you’re wondering how you’re going to pay the bills—or afford a new car—when your savings account is as barren as the Sahara Desert.

Perhaps you’ve been trying to lose weight, and you keep losing and gaining the same five pounds. You wonder if you will ever get in shape because it’s so darn difficult.

Could it be that you’re “always the bridesmaid, never the bride” and you just can’t take one more engagement story or attend one more wedding shower? You wonder when will it be your turn to find real and lasting love.

Or, maybe your own life is just fine, but you’re praying about the needs of a friend or loved one, the state of our crazy world today or something else.

Whatever it is that is stealing your peace, the secret is:

Surrender.

Autumn’s secret. God’s desire.

Just as the yellow aspen trees (or maple or oak) shed their leaves in the fall, we also need to surrender our stuff to God.

Release. Let go. Let God.

Trees surrender their lovely leaves for a season, so new ones can grow. Likewise, you and I can choose to let go of our problems, our worries, our fears, our desires and give them to God.

We let go of our stuff, and hold on to hope, having faith—great faith—that the One who loves us most will take care of it.

We “give it to God” as we talk to Him in prayer, just like you’d talk to a close friend, you can talk to God in prayer. He really does care. And He is ready to listen to you any time of the day or night. We need His help, His strength, His peace, and His power.

But letting go isn’t easy.

Maybe you’re afraid that if you let go, then you will have nothing. Your heart will be empty. And you seek other ways to fill the void.

But, here’s the thing:

Marriage is not the answer to your problems.

A random hookup or eating a pan of brownies will not fill your heart holes.

Neither will a bottle of this or pills of that.

The secret is surrender of your will, your ways and your timing of what you think should happen. It’s letting go of control. And handing over the reins of your life to our loving and good God. Then, He can reveal His will, His ways and His timing in all things.

You can choose to do things in your own limited strength, and end up miserable or depressed. Or, you can choose to surrender—and trust that for God’s best, the way that leads to lasting joy and peace.

Trust that God really does care about every area of your life. He wants the best for you. And He is at work, even when you cannot see or feel it, planning and preparing for His answers in your life.

God said, “I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

The secret is surrender.

We lay down our will for His will.

We let go of what we want for what God wants.

We walk by FAITH, trusting God to direct our steps.

Release to God your sadness, your worries and your fears. Surrender your stuff to the One who loves you most. Hold on to hope. Let the Lord’s joy and deep peace wash over you.

And watch your life transform…

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How to Deal with Disappointments in Relationships

Then you will know that I am the LORD;
those who hope in me will not be disappointed.
Isaiah 49:23

Life is full of disappointments.

Your boss promoted your co-worker, not you. Your manuscript got rejected. Your family member bailed on Thanksgiving again–and you miss them. Your boyfriend didn’t show for your birthday party. How do you deal with disappointments?

Dashed hopes and thwarted dreams come in all shapes and sizes, and they’re always painful. 

Of course, it’s normal to feel upset when hard things happen; God designed us with emotions. But it’s essential to deal with your disappointments so little hurts don’t turn into large ones. 

Disappointment can spiral into despair or depression if you don’t get a hold of your thought life, what you say to yourself about yourself or your circumstances. 

So when disappointment knocks on your door, how do you handle your discontentment? 

Will you sulk or will you stand strong on the promises of God?

Here are some helpful ways to pull yourself out of the disappointment spiral: 

What you tell yourself matters. Disappointment is a part of life. Whether they’re big hurts or little ones it’s what you do with your pain that determines how you will move forward. 

What are you saying to yourself about what’s happened? Are you feeling hopeless and thinking, “I’m never going to find a job”? Or hopeful, “I guess that wasn’t the right job for me. God has something better suited to my skills; I will bounce back.”

Don’t mull, release disappointments. My mother used to say that garbage needs to be taken out at least once a week, and so does the garbage in your heart. 

When you hold onto frustration, resentment or discouragement it can fester inside. Instead, feel your feelings, and then release your pain. Let it go. The best way to do that is in prayer; talk to God about how you feel and what happened. He hears, He sees, and He truly cares.

Wait on God to make things right. When disappointment comes, you may think it’s the end of the story. But it may not be; that’s where discernment comes and the wisdom to wait. Waiting strengthens your trust muscles, teaching you to depend solely on God, not your circumstances.

There’s a popular saying, “Don’t place a period where God has placed a comma.” It may be the final curtain or it may simply be an intermission, a time to wait on God. 

My friend Barbara had been dating Steve for more than a year, and while he’d brought up the topic of marriage she was uncertain about some things. So she ended the relationship. Hard as it was, Barbara held to her trust in God to make things right. 

Whether they got back together or not, she knew that God had his best in mind for her. She closed the door on this relationship, and chose to get on with her life.

Unbeknownst to Barbara, God was doing an amazing transformational work in Steve’s heart about God’s design for marriage and other things. 

One Saturday afternoon, Barbara was praying and felt the Holy Spirit tell her to be open to Steve if he were to call her 

She didn’t think he would contact her. She thought it was over—they both did. 

But God had different plans.

That same Saturday afternoon, Steve called Barbara from a mountain top where he’d been praying and listening to God. Steve didn’t think she’d pick up the phone, but she did. 

They began to connect in an entirely new way; after a time apart that drew them solely to God and not each other, they both felt that God was reuniting them. They knew that the Lord had put them back together, and He had a plan for their relationship. Shortly after that they got engaged, and two months later were married. And now they’ve been together for more than a decade.

Trust God in the silent times. He is working. Always working. 

Get a fresh perspective. Ask yourself, “How can I view this situation differently?” Perhaps you need a fresh perspective. 

Just as flying high in an airplane helps you to see the bigger picture of the earth below, getting a new perspective on your circumstances can help you feel better. 

Ask God to open your eyes to the truth about what’s happening so you can see more clearly how to pray and what to do. 

We all go through emotional growing pains at times that serve to make us stronger on the inside. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this situation? How can my faith be strengthened here?”

Don’t get disillusioned with God. If you’ve been disappointed, you may feel like God doesn’t care or He’s abandoned you. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

Despite the situation, don’t let your circumstances rob you from the unchanging truth that God is wiser than you and me, and that He knows best.

Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” All things? Even this painful disappointment? Yes, even this. 

We don’t know how or when, but God promises to work all things together for a higher and better purpose. That’s where trust comes in. 

Lift up your eyes. When discouragement or disappointments have you down, it’s time to look up. Psalm 121:1-2 says, “I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.” 

Instead of looking all around at your circumstances or looking down in despair, choose to look to the One who has the power to do something about your situation. He will lift you up.

Deal and heal. Unless you remove dandelions by the roots, their little yellow heads will keep popping up in your yard. Likewise, when you get to the root of your issues you can begin to rid the landscape of your life of irritations like constant regret or bitterness. 

As you deal with your emotions—feeling your feelings, not ignoring them and surrendering your pain to God in prayer—you will begin to heal. 

The power of prayer gets to the root of the issue because God heals from the inside out. As you pray, God changes your discouragement to encouragement or from sadness to joy and a much more joyful self emerges.

Prayer changes things, and it changes you. As you pray about your disappointments, be encouraged and remember the One to whom we pray. God Almighty is all-powerful, and full of more strength and wisdom that we can ever comprehend. He can take care of your situation.

Our times are in His hands.

 

For more from Jackie, check out these resources:

 

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When Waiting is Hard: 6 Ways to Wait Well

It’s not always easy to wait.

When you’re young you can’t wait to grow up. When you’re grown, you’re constantly looking ahead to the next chapter in life:

When will I finish school,

get married,

have children,

buy a house,

get a better house,

have something or BE something?

And on it goes.

We always seem to be waiting for something to happen—or not happen.

Sure, it’s hard to wait. And yes, it would be great if things happened in our timing. But there are larger forces at play.

What does God have to say about waiting—and how can we learn to wait with a joyful heart and good attitude?

First, waiting can be a time of preparation. God is getting things ready, and getting us ready for His blessings.

Also, waiting refines us; it builds character and teaches us to exercise our “trust muscles” so they get stronger and firmer as we learn to trust God more.

Here’s the thing: Just because there is a delay, it doesn’t always mean the road is closed forever. You may have heard the phrase: God’s DELAYS are not always God’s DENIALS.

In Romans 12:12, we are admonished to “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

Oh, if only it were that easy.

When things are taking entirely too long, you may begin to take matters into your own hands and take control. But when you do, there are consequences.

For example, if you put a cake in the oven and remove it before the right time, you’d get a hot, gooey mess. Yuk! 

But if you would have waited, you’d have a delicious, freshly-baked cake that was completely done and ready to eat.

Waiting makes a world of difference.

So how do you relinquish control, and let God work in your life as you wait on something—or someone?

Here are six (6) ways I’ve learned to learn to wait well:

1. Know on Whom you wait. As you wait, learn to trust God. He is the One who loves you most. He wants the best for you. Look to Him, not to the answer, or thing or person on whom you wait. “My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be shaken.” (Psalm 62:5-6).

2. Wait with hope. You can choose your attitude: to fret or to have faith. Ask God to help you to have confident expectation in what HE is doing. Ask Him for patience and peace. As you wait, God is building in you strength, courage, fortitude and stamina.

3. Pray and obey. Waiting is not a time to do nothing. It’s the time to pray and to act—to be about the Father’s business as He leads you. You can share your disappointments and frustrations with the Lord as you pray. Then follow His lead on what to do next—or not to do. 

We wait in hope, believing even when we cannot see. “But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” (Romans 8:24-25).

4. Surrender. Surrendering your dreams and desires is like releasing a seed into the soil and trusting God to grow your dreams—even when you don’t see anything happening. God is always at work, behind the scenes. And small beginnings can yield large results when we are patient.

5. Remember what God has done in the past. As you begin to let go of your grasp that things should turn out the way you think they should be, peace comes. Fear subsides as you look back on what God has done in the past with His mighty power and miracles—for those in the Bible, for others, and for you-in your own life. Remind yourself that God has worked, is working, and will continue to be at work in the future.

6. Live in the now. Where is your focus? Are you looking so far into the future that you’re missing what’s happening today? Hope with future eyes, but keep your hands on what you are doing and who you are becoming in the present. God has something to teach you in ALL seasons of life.

Here’s a Brief Lesson on Waiting from a Bamboo Plant
Bamboos are fast growing plants. But before they grow tall, they grow deep. It’s a lesson in patience and faith, because once you plant a bamboo seed you don’t see any grow for four years.

Nothing seems to be happening.

Nothing at all.

You may get discouraged or frustrated; you may even begin to lose hope that anything will ever sprout from the seed you planted.

And then, finally, in the fifth year, the bamboo plant shoots up a whopping 80 feet!

Such incredible growth could not have been possible without the extensive root system created during those first formative years—a strong support to hold the plant growth that was coming.

The waiting was for a reason.

When You’re Tired of Waiting
Don’t give up just because you don’t see any movement in your life and in your situation. Keep the faith!

You never know when your day will come, and things begin to change.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”

In God’s timing, things happen.

Winter’s snowy blasts turn to fragrant spring blossoms.

The baby is delivered.

The check comes in the mail.

You get the job

“Someday” finally arrives!

We may not always know the reasons for delay, or like them, but we can trust God is working all things together for the good—and for His glory.

Have courage. Have faith. God is in control, and His timing is perfect.

Take your hands off and trust God—even when you do not understand.

The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it.

                                                               ***

Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.

Psalm 130:5
I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.”

Romans 8:25
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

For more resources by Jackie M. Johnson, check out When Love Ends (a helpful resource on how to get over a breakup) and Praying with Power When Life Gets Tough (topic-based on what to do when going through hard times).

Photo by Felipe Cespedes, Pexels

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