You’re hurting. Mad. Sad. Stunned that someone you care about has hurt you so greatly. Is it really possible to forgive—especially when you just don’t want to?
I mean, he hurt you—or she offended you. Why should you forgive? The other person should pay for their transgressions, right? They don’t deserve to be forgiven after what they have done.
I’ve learned a lot about the topic of forgiving others, especially after going through heart-wrenching breakups in dating relationships.
One guy I dated for nearly two years moved out of state for his job and forgot to tell me we broke up. Seriously. When I called him, the phone just rang and rang. I never got an explanation about why he ghosted me.
Boyfriend, girlfriends or friends may do things to cause us pain. Parents or family members may say mean things. Even total strangers can cause us grief. We’ve all been hurt before.
After one awful breakup, I started looking for answers about how to deal with the pain and how to forgive. I had some misconceptions about forgiveness, and I learned some life-changing things in the process.
Four Big Ideas
Here are four (4) big ideas I’ve come to learn about forgiveness:
- Forgiveness is not forgetting about what happened or acting like everything is okay. It doesn’t mean that you condone what happened, agree with it or like it.
- Holding onto past pain not only continues to hurt you,it can also block you from moving forward. Pent up pain turns into bitterness, resentment, and emotional poison works its way into other areas of your life.
- Forgiving someone is not “letting them off the hook.” You are not overlooking the offense or excusing it, and you are definitely not letting the offender off the hook for his or her words or actions. Instead, you’re putting that person on God’s hook, so to speak, and trusting God to deal with it fairly because He said He would.
- Forgiveness is possible.You can forgive others because the One who loves you most, God, has first forgiven you—and because He asks us to. He will give you the power and strength to do what you cannot do on your own.
How does that work?
As you release the person who’s wronged you to God, He ensures justice is served; not you.
“Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)
Our perspective changes when we realize what God has done for us: He freely extends unconditional love and forgiveness to us, His children. And in the light of the mercy He’s shown us, we can extend the hand of forgiveness to others.
Forgiving others is possible as you:
- Acknowledge you have been hurt. “I have been wronged.”
- Receive God’s forgiveness. “I have been wrong, too. I need forgiveness.”
- Choose to forgive. “I’m wrestling with why I should I forgive him?”
- Release to God in prayer—and forgive. “Because God has forgiven me, I will forgive him.”
“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” ~ Matthew 6:14, 15
Forgiveness isn’t easy. That’s for sure. Give your situation to God to handle. Choose to forgive others because God has forgiven you. He will help you through it.
And then go live in emotional freedom and peace!
Prayer
Lord, You know what’s happened in this relationship. I bring before you (say the person’s name) and all the hurt and pain he (or she) has caused me. In my own strength I cannot let go, but I ask for the power of the Holy Spirit to help me to forgive. Blow a fresh wind of healing in my life and release the resentment, bitterness, and feelings of offense. Help me to forgive because you have forgiven me. Empower me to have mercy on others in Your strength, knowing You are a God of justice. I ask for Your mighty power to work in me and through me. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
QUESTION: Have you had a hard time forgiving someone who’s hurt you? What did you do to move forward? Let us know in the comments section below.
Additional Resources by Jackie M. Johnson:
2 Comments
Ann O'Malley
April 23, 2019 at 9:03 amThank you, Jackie, for admitting that forgiving isn’t always easy. I’ve heard Christians teach that all we have to do is say, “I forgive,” and the struggle ends there.
I watched “I Can Only Imagine” when it was in the theater. Near the end, the Christian main character angrily says to his father, who abused him the entire time he was growing up and is now repenting, “Am I supposed to just forgive you?” He was being real, authentic, honest. Not just tossing off the expected Christian response.
From a few rows behind me, I heard another audience member give an emphatic, “Yes.” And I cringed.
Yes, God wants us to forgive as He forgave us (Colossians 3:13). But the truth is that such consistent, ongoing abuse can take years to heal and to forgive. We are not God. We are broken and fallen. Our minds and souls are warped by the wounds inflicted on us in childhood. God doesn’t often heal those wounds instantaneously.
But, as you point out, He does give us the resources to find true peace and the ability to truly forgive, as the real-life character in the movie learned to do.
(Adapted from my blog at https://thosewhoweep.blogspot.com/2018/09/make-believe.html.)
Jackie M. Johnson
April 23, 2019 at 9:39 amAnn,
Thank you for your comments. Yes, we can real and authentic with our emotions. We can feel the feelings and get the emotional healing we need. And God gives us the strength to do what we cannot do on our own–forgive. It can take time for certain. And that’s OK. Blessings to you! — Jackie M. Johnson